Infertility is a word that feels loaded these days. Loaded with opinions, loaded by triggering personal or anecdotal experiences, and often it’s a word that is loaded with questions without answers. Fertility challenges currently impact one in six people who are trying to conceive. Despite its prevalence, it is a challenge that is often associated with feelings of shame, inadequacy and anxious anticipation. For these reasons and more, it is often an experience that individuals or couples don’t speak openly about and endure privately.
Infertility often coexists with or creates other challenges such as longevity fatigue, feeling disconnected and relationship strain:
- Longevity Fatigue: Infertility can be experienced for years or in some cases, for more than a decade. That is an incredibly long time to endure hardship. Most people are not prepared or equipped to experience emotional, physical, mental and financial strain for an uncharted amount of time. If this is your experience, please recognize that it is not an inability to cope, but rather, an inability to cope without reprieve or finality.
- Feeling Disconnected: Often, when you are in a stage of trying to start a family, there are others that you know who are also in that life stage. How are you supposed to feel when others experience success and you aren’t? It can feel uneasy or even traumatizing to see life progress for others in this way when you feel stuck. Attending events and supporting others may feel impossible at this time.
Feeling misunderstood or unsupported can lead to further social disconnection. Sometimes misguided advice can exacerbate these feelings. An example of misguided advice is, “Well, you need to just relax and stop stressing. You’re not getting pregnant because you’re stressed.” What is intended to be encouraging can feel hurtful. It is important to set boundaries to protect your wellbeing during this time. Depending on how long you experience infertility, your boundaries may shift over time, but don’t neglect to set them, and give yourself grace for needing them.
- Relationship Strain: There is nothing sexier in a relationship than scheduled intimacy, hormone altering medications and body injection bruises and swelling. Am I right?? It is a common experience for intimacy to no longer feel intimate when you’re trying and trying to get pregnant. Additionally, the anxiety or depression that often accompanies the good-news-bad-news roller coaster can shut our body down from feeling safe to be physically open or vulnerable. Communicating regularly with your partner about how you are feeling and exploring creative ways to connect is important. Define what works for you both in this chapter, remembering it’s not forever.
What is Ambiguous Grief?
Another way that infertility can impact those experiencing it is in the way that grief shows up in persistent and unique ways. There is a type of grief known as ambiguous grief. Ambiguous grief is characterized by a lack of closure, lack of clarity and definition, and lack of recognition and understanding by society at large (Howard). While it is not associated exclusively with infertility, it captures the experiences of many who are hoping to expand their family and are struggling.
Some experiences that may lead to ambiguous grief include:
-Miscarriage, unsuccessful embryo development or implantation.
-Mourning a future vision you had for your life or identity.
-Mourning your ability to have a biological child.
-Mourning what is known and already experienced while still hoping for what could be.
This is a particularly challenging form of grief to experience because unlike the death of a loved one, this type of grief is often not recognized with a ceremony, bereavement period, or individuals in your life who have had a similar experience and can empathize. For this reason, ambiguous grief is not only grief, it is also isolating, anxiety inducing, and sometimes identity shattering.
Because infertility can be such a challenging experience, I hope that you can minimize personal misconceptions that add to suffering such as, “This is my fault,” or “This will never work out.” The reality is that the journey to starting a family is largely out of our control, and that can feel so overwhelming and hard. Instead, try saying things like, “I’m having the thought that this is my fault even though I know that’s not a fair or accurate thought.” Or, “These losses have been so hard. I will focus on what’s in my control, and take one step at a time.” Or, “Based on the statistics that have been shared with me, it feels worth it to keep trying. I can change paths when I want to.”
If any of this feels personally relevant and meaningful to you, you are not alone. My hope in writing this is to begin to normalize experiences that often feel incredibly isolating. There are universal emotional experiences of infertility and they are important to talk about. I encourage you to seek support in your journey both personally and professionally. I hope you can acknowledge the ambiguity and uncertainty of the situation you (or a loved one) find yourself in and offer grace to yourself or them in this chapter.
EdM, Ari Howard MA. “What Is Ambiguous Grief?” Healthline, Healthline Media, 2 Apr. 2025, www.healthline.com/health/depression/what-is-ambiguous-grief.