Written by Eden Pentes, LMFTA
Being in a relationship with another human being can be difficult. You go through the challenges of life together, experience new things, navigate grief and happiness, and experience all of the emotions that come with being in a partnership. You see each other through the hardest of times and the best of times. Your relationship is tested through different trials, whether that means having children, navigating family relationships, or experiencing other ups and downs together.
Adding a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to a relationship can bring additional challenges. A person is not defined by their diagnosis, but BPD can have an impact on relationships. Individuals with BPD may experience attachment difficulties ( for example, going to a partner for all their needs, like sexual, emotional, physical, and financial, and when these needs cannot be met, assuming the partner does not love them), intense emotions, significant emotional ups and downs, and suicidal thoughts or behaviors. These experiences can make relationships difficult to navigate at times.
But when you love someone, you want to do everything you can to support them and stay by their side. So, how do you support and navigate being in a relationship when your partner has been diagnosed with BPD?
There isn’t one way to approach it. Every relationship is different, but there are some common things you can keep in mind.
What Can the Partner Without BPD Do?
1. Educate yourself on what BPD is and how it affects your partner.
Having a personality disorder can be extremely difficult for someone to navigate. Taking the time to understand BPD and how your partner experiences their symptoms can help you better understand them. For example, your partner lashing out at you may be connected to emotional distress or difficulty regulating emotions and may not necessarily be about you.
Learning about BPD can help you better understand what your partner may be experiencing while also helping you recognize when additional support may be needed.
Learn more: Mind – Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
2. Set healthy boundaries for yourself and your partner.
This can be a really difficult one for people, but it is key. People diagnosed with BPD may experience unstable emotions, an intense fear of abandonment, suicidal behavior, and harsh self-criticism. When these experiences come into play in a relationship, they can affect not only the person experiencing them but also their partner.
Clear communication, consistency, and personal boundaries can create more stability for everyone involved. Examples of boundaries you can make can be, “When you yell at me it makes me feel bad so I am going to leave the room for fifteen minutes to let us both have some cool down time,” or saying, “I need some time with my friends tonight, but tomorrow we can do something with just the two of us.” Using “I” statements instead of “you” statements can also help reduce blame and keep communication focused on your own experiences and needs.
Setting boundaries can be difficult in the beginning. Some ways to make this work may include recognizing and discussing triggers, creating a safe word or phrase that lets both partners know when it is time to take a break and reconvene later, and having regular check-ins about how each person is feeling in the relationship.
3. Show empathy.
People with BPD can experience emotions very intensely, and during moments of emotional distress, it can sometimes be difficult to understand another person’s perspective. Emotional flare-ups may also be connected to fears of abandonment or rejection.
During these moments, empathy and understanding can go a long way. This does not mean agreeing with everything your partner says or does. It means trying to understand the emotion behind their experience while still maintaining healthy boundaries. This could look like expressing to your partner what you understand about BPD, the symptoms that come along with it and the struggle they must be going through. Or emphasizing to your partner that they are not just their diagnosis, they are a whole person.
4. Remember to take care of yourself.
Being in a relationship with someone who has a diagnosis of BPD can sometimes feel emotionally draining. Make sure you have people in your life you can lean on and outlets that are separate from your relationship.
Continue making time for your own hobbies, friendships, interests, and needs. Supporting your partner does not mean that you have to neglect yourself.
5. Remember that your partner’s diagnosis is not their person.
Try to remember that your partner is a whole person, not just a diagnosis. BPD may be one part of their experience, but it does not define who they are.
Remember the person you love and the reasons you chose to build a relationship with them. Try not to let the diagnosis become the only lens through which you see your partner.
6. Seek couples therapy when needed.
Couples therapy can be a helpful resource when you are in a relationship where one partner has been diagnosed with BPD. Couples therapy can provide a safe space for partners to discuss their relationship, work through conflict, and develop communication skills with the support of a trained therapist.
There are also different individual therapies that can help people with BPD, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Similarly, there are different approaches to couples therapy, including the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Finding an approach and therapist that fits your relationship and your needs can be an important part of the process.
In Summary
There is no perfect road map for navigating a partnership with someone who has been diagnosed with BPD. Every relationship is different, and what works for one couple may not work for another.
However, there are steps you can take to move further down the road toward a healthier relationship for both of you. Education, healthy boundaries, empathy, self-care, communication, and professional support can all play an important role.
Most importantly, remember that your partner is more than their diagnosis, and you do not have to navigate the journey alone.