Willfulness is defined in the DBT Skills Training Manual as, “Refusing to tolerate the moment, and not making changes that are needed.” Willfulness involves a refusal to accept the facts of your situation and this brings you distress in the long term.  

Here are some typical examples of how willfulness may be showing up in your life:

• The desire to be right in a situation, regardless of what is needed to get through it effectively
• Refusal to see things from a new perspective
• Fighting/denying any suggestions that will improve your distress
• Refusing to tolerate the distressing moment
• Doing nothing when action is needed

Everyone experiences willfulness and can likely acknowledge feeling stuck in it. But how do we move forward?

The answer is Willingness!

Willingness is the opposite of willfulness. It is recognizing the reality of a situation and addressing it as an effective problem solver. Willingness is accepting what is. It is about accepting your natural response to a situation, and doing what is needed anyways. We can begin to practice willingness in situations by allowing ourselves to be uncomfortable and being willing to do what is needed.

Let’s take a look at an example of how someone may respond to a situation with willfulness or with willingness:

Example: You received a bad annual review at work by your boss.

A willful response would be: 

• “This review was not fair. I deserved a better review and a higher raise. This boss just has it out for me. I am the only one that speaks up around here and they just want me to be quiet and do my work. I am just going to do my job and not talk to anyone.”

This way of problem solving creates tension and your concerns are not addressed.

A willing response would be: 

• “ The reality is my annual review did not go well. I am feeling shame that this happened and anxiety about having further conversations about how to fix it. I am going to need to use some of my distress tolerance skills and have the conversation. If I address this upfront in a calm manner, I may be able to improve and not feel so anxious at work from that review.”

This way of problem solving may produce more anxiety in the beginning but at the end will likely lead to less anxiety and suffering. 

To conclude, ask yourself where are you practicing willfulness in your life? Is it allowing you to live the life you want? If not, consider how you could incorporate willingness into your personal life situations.

Ready to master a willingness mindset?

Join our DBT Therapy Group. Use our contact page and select the DBT group.

About The Author:

Adrienne Hayes is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who provides assessment and counseling services to individuals ranging from early adolescence through adulthood, including EMDR therapy. Adrienne graduated from The University of Alabama with a Bachelor’s degree in Human Development and Family Studies with a focus in Family Studies. She followed up on her undergraduate training and received a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy before becoming fully licensed.

Adrienne has worked in a variety of settings including private counseling, residential treatment and outpatient care. Adrienne works with individuals and couples who present with a wide range of issues. She works to help individuals identify and resolve underlying issues contributing to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and unhealthy relationship patterns.