The holidays are right around the corner, once again. For many people this is a time of joy, slowing down, seeing extended family, and celebrating the year that has gone by. However, for others being home for the holdiays can be a time of heightened anxiety, preparing for disappointment, and potential hurt. If you find yourself aligning with the latter, what do you have at your disposal to make it through the holidays?

Why is this so hard?

In an increasingly divided country, many individuals have been faced with the reality that the family they love doesn’t see the world the way they do. This can be devastating, especially when these lines in the sand can feel like a direct attack on your personhood or that of those you love. 

It is normal for our brains to struggle to reconcile the dissonance between our cherished history with a person and how we see them presenting themselves in the present moment. And unlike friends or coworkers who we don’t get along with, separating ourselves from family can be much harder, or may be a choice that is not on the table. 

Creating Your Own Peace 

1.Communication Plan

There are many ways that we can actively try to make the holidays a more positive experience than what we are anticipating. One way is by setting an example of civility and healthy communication. That might mean you plan ahead regarding what tone and body language you’d like to present and model. It may also mean that you have prepared statements for when things get heated such as,

•  “I feel differently about this, but I’m listening” 
• “What do you mean when you say (mirror their words)?” 
• “I don’t feel comfortable engaging in this conversation right now. Can we please change the subject?”

2.Mindfulness

Another way to create your own peace is by getting your mind and body right. If you’re staying with family, perhaps you do a bit of breath work or calming yoga before leaving your room in the morning. You may also plan ahead to take a break at a designated time and walk around the neighborhood or town.

3. Mantras

Lastly, when we face anxiety inducing situations, it is helpful to equip ourselves with mantras we can call on when we need them. These can serve to remind us of our goals, center ourselves, or put things in perspective. 

A few examples might sound like:

• Goal Oriented: “I will surround myself with family members who make me feel good and can limit my time and interactions with those who do not.”
• Centering: “I am strong and resilient. I will not be broken by challenging moments with my family. My life is full and good, and this is just one part of my life.”
• Perspective Setting: “My brain is creating anxiety to protect me from possible harm, and in all likelihood, it will not be as bad as I am anticipating.”

Setting Boundaries

While there are many things out of our control over the holidays, one thing that is in our control is setting boundaries. Setting boundaries for ourselves, or even communicating them with family members is a way to set the tone, establish norms, and communicate our needs. An example of a set boundary might be limiting the time you are home for the holidays. Perhaps you normally spend multiple days at home, but you decide that less time is what is needed right now. Another boundary you could set is communicating with trusted family members ahead of time that you’d like to keep certain topics off of the table for the duration of the holidays, and if that’s not respected, you plan to remove yourself from the group.

Perhaps you’re reading this and thinking, none of this is possible with my family. I need you to understand that sometimes, skipping out is okay. No one knows your situation like you do. If it is in the best interest of your mental health and the longevity of your familial relationships, creating space is sometimes the best thing.