Being able to effectively navigate conflict with your partner can make the difference between having a healthy relationship or a very stressful relationship. In our Healthy Fighting Part 1 blog, we learned how to identify “bread and butter” arguments vs more attachment-related arguments. We build on that skill here as we talk about the Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict, as outlined by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller in their book, Attached. In these principles, we use the habits of securely attached folks to help our relationships run just a little bit more smoothly.
The first principle is to show basic concern for your partner’s well-being. Makes sense right? If we want conflict to go well, let’s start by showing some caring! This principle recognizes that our happiness is interdependent with our partner’s happiness. Healthy relationships focus on both partners’ needs and well-being sharing center stage. In arguments, this looks like acknowledging your partner’s wishes, recognizing the humanity in their expressed needs, and striving to find a solution that works for both people.
The second principle is to focus on the problem at hand. Couples who stick to the actual problem they are having and that problem ONLY in an argument have an easier time getting through conflict. This looks like avoiding accusations of your partner and acknowledging what is directly bothering you or your partner instead. This often means looking past some indirect or “surface issue” language your partner may be using and talking about the actual fears and insecurities going on beneath the surface. This approach often helps partners feel seen and can increase connection. While this principle can take some effort to practice, the reward is worth it.
Next, we focus refrain from generalizing the conflict. Keeping the conflict contained to the problem needing to be solved instead of letting it bleed over into character generalizations or other parts of the relationship help the conflict stay the “size” it needs to be. Instead of saying “You’re an inconsiderate jerk,” it is more helpful to say, “We need to find a way to do meal planning that is more equitable.” This principle helps us stick to realistically solvable issues and helps you and your partner get a “win” together.
Another principle for healthy fighting is being willing to engage. It can take less effort to withdraw by giving your partner the “silent treatment” or by bypassing conflict resolution entirely and doing what you want without any consideration of your partner or further discussion. The major drawback to this is that the conflict just continues and creates more pain and damage in the relationship. Even if it takes multiple conversations over several days (or weeks), hanging in and being dedicated to finding a solution that you both can live with means you get to move on from this conflict and enjoy more of your time together.
Our last principle is to effectively communicate your feelings and needs. “Effectively” here means to say directly what vulnerable feeling you are having (often a fear or insecurity) and directly what you would like from your partner and why. This lets your partner know that you are taking responsibility for your part of communication (i.e., you do not expect them to read your mind) and gives them a chance to understand you. It also more fully opens the door for creative solutions to the problem now that the true problem has been so effectively communicated. One shortcut to this is to remember that if you have not told your partner something, you should assume they do not know. If they are missing important information from you, the conversation may circle instead of moving forward.
Use these principles to effectively navigate conflict with your partner. Healthy conflict means a healthier, happier relationship!