Healthy Fighting, Part 1: What to do when you don’t know what you’re arguing about

We’ve all been there. You’re in the middle of an argument with your partner and you’re so caught up in the details of the argument that you’ve lost sight of why you’re fighting. Being able to pause at those times and ask yourself, “What am I trying to communicate here?” “What am I hoping to achieve in this conversation?” or “What am I hoping will be solved by this fight?” is a huge strength and can help the conversation be more effective. But what if you don’t know the answers to those questions? Here are some ideas that may help you figure that out.

According to the authors of Attached, Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, there are two types of arguments. The is (1) the bread and butter kind and (2) the kind that is about differing needs for connection, which they refer to as intimacy struggles. Bread and butter conflict is about general sharing-space-with-someone topics. These are things like what to have for dinner and what temperature to keep the thermostat. They are topics that you would need to discuss and find a solution for with anyone you may be sharing space & time with, like a coworker or roommate. They often don’t feel deeply emotional but just slightly irritating. These topics may be easier to identify when you ask yourself the question, “What are we even arguing about?” You can identify a Bread & Butter Fight by asking: “Would I need to have this discussion with anyone with whom I was trying to solve a logistical problem?” If the answer is “Yes”, then you know it is a Bread & Butter Fight. Then you can move to “What is the logistical problem we are trying to solve?”

The more difficult arguments may actually be about differing needs for connection in order to feel “safe” in your relationship. These differing needs are called attachment styles, and when a couple has mismatched attachment styles, they may find themselves frequently arguing about how connected they will be. People with anxious attachment styles often need more engagement from their partners to feel safe. People with avoidant attachment styles often need less engagement from their partners to feel safe. If you are having this kind of argument, you would answer “yes” to “Am I actually arguing for more closeness or less closeness with my partner right now?”

Practicing answering these questions helps with several steps of the Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict offered by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller in their book, Attached. These steps will be discussed in Healthy Fighting, Part 2. For now, practice building up your awareness of what you’re fighting about by asking yourself these questions and you’ll be well on your way to healthy fighting.