Loss is all around us. Sometimes it’s big, like when a family member or friend dies. Sometimes it’s smaller, like when you don’t get the job for which you were interviewing. When we are faced with a loss, our brains have some big grief tasks to do. Four, in fact. Worden identifies these four tasks as experiencing the pain of the loss, adjusting to a new normal, developing a new relationship with what or who was lost, and accepting the reality of the loss.
Doesn’t that sound like a lot of work?! Because of our culture, most people who have had a loss are having to do all of that emotional work ON TOP of an already busy schedule. So what does that look like then? It can look like your brain and your body not functioning as well as it typically does. We only have so much energy to function day to day and grief sucks up a lot of that energy. Imagine your brain a smart phone and grief is an app that’s open all the time (sometimes just in the background, sometimes being actively engaged) draining your battery and slowing all the other apps down.
A brain on grief isn’t left with much energy so it prioritizes basic functions over higher-level functions. That may mean you forget words or names or that you’re supposed to take the gas nozzle out of your car before you drive away from the gas station. Making decisions that require critical thought may feel overwhelming. In addition, sometimes remembering what was lost can trigger a threat response in your brain (fight, flight, or freeze), which takes you out of the present moment entirely.
The good news is this tends to be temporary and there are things you can do to encourage your brain to heal. Make some space to process the loss. This means not pushing away any of the feelings that come up for you (relief, pain, fear, & sadness are all common) and also writing down some of the thoughts you’re having. Your brain is trying to process the loss, so let it. If you are feeling “stuck” in grief, cognitive-behavioral therapy can help integrate the loss into your life so your brain can get back to regular business, like remembering the word for pineapple.